And here... written in May 2005-
Location, Kaneohe HI
I'd only been living in Hawaii one week when "Janice" had her first episode. I had been warned by the previous nanny via long distance call from Hawaii to Cali. I was taking care of two little girls when an unrecognized area code called me. "Kacey" (obviously not really her name) was calling me to let me know that my soon to be new boss Janice was a freak, a pill whore and an all around bitch. She wanted to give me a heads up and informed me that two days before, she'd come home to find Janice passed out naked at the foot of her stairs.
Naturally I was worried, but what was I to do? I already had a plane ticket, my condo was packed up and ready for moving day, and I had already given notice to the mom of these two little girls. There was no going back.
When I arrived in Hawaii Janice wasn't particularly friendly, but she wasn't mean. She let me know right off the bat that Kacey, the former nanny was a "rude, thoughtless little bitch". Janice made me nervous, but I liked her. She had a dry sense of humor and made me feel welcome in her home. She was the wife of a Battalion Executive Officer (who was away on deployment) and was actively involved with moms of Marines on Base at nearby K-Bay. Oh, and she was quite scary. Janice also suffered from a stomach condition that supposedly required her to take a lot of pills, but apparently they made her nuts so people close to her liked to keep them away from her.
So, like I was saying, I had been there a week when IT happened. Crystal, a friend of Janice and soon a friend of mine was over for dinner. Crystal was 21, married to a Marine and was a big help around the house. She was also one of the few Marine wives who would venture more than 10 ft. near Janice. Like I said, she was a little scary. Crystal was there pretty much everyday when I first arrived. Helping with dinner, helping clean the house, because Janice was pretty useless. She spent her days eating bananas and watching t.v.
So this particular evening while Crystal helped with dishes, Janice started moaning that her back was hurting.
"My whole body is starting to ache" She pouted from her favorite chair.
"Can I get you anything?" I asked
"If you're thinkin' Advil, you can just forget that" She snapped. "That won't do a damn thing." She sighed dramatically.
"I could take a pill... but I probably shouldn't" She said wistfully.
"Well if you're in a lot of pain perhaps..." I couldn't finish my sentence before she was racing to her stash in the bedroom.
"I'll just take one!" She called from her room.
"You'll have to keep an eye on her" Crystal warned me.
Janice returned minutes later and collapsed in her chair once again. She closed her eyes for a few minutes.
"How bout' them jello shots??" Her eyes suddenly flew open. A few days earlier we'd bought some vodka and jello for a rainy day.
"Janice, should you be drinking liquor with your meds?" Crystal asked gently,
"Aw, shucks you're no fun! Poo on you, Im just gonna make em' for Melanie" She dismissed Crystal with a wave of her hand and hurried to the kitchen with a Venti coffee based vanilla frappucino I'd picked up for her earlier.
She hummed a little diddy while preparing my jello. She reminded me of a leprechaun. When she came back into the living room she had a bottle of Kahluah with her.
"Pour a shot in my coffee will ya?" She hissed, I noticed her eyes were drooping slightly. Was it her medication?
"What? Why me?" I asked timidly not wanting to piss my new boss off.
"Whadderya chicken?" She crowed.
I obediently poured a shot into her coffee.
"Well I'd better get going" Crystal gathered her things to leave.
"Watch her" she whispered. "If you need anything at all, call me." I wasn't sure what I would be needing from Crystal at such a late hour but I promised to call her first if "anything" happened.
And something did happen. Janice's face started drooping slightly more. She stood up and stretched and made her way back to the kitchen. On her way she tripped over a chair.
"Ouch!" She cried. "Did you see that?" I had indeed seen. A woman slightly loopy tripping over a very prominent chair. But that was not the case in Janice's world.
" That freakin chair jumped out and bit me!" I bit my lip to keep from laughing. She hurried back to her special chair and draped her skinny bird legs over the arms. She lit a cigarette... and seconds later passed out.
That wasn't so bad. I thought. Of course if I wasn't here she'd probably burn the house down. I put out her still lit cigarette and went to bed.
The next day I didn't see Janice until evening when she decided to pull every photo album she owned out. She was sitting indian style with dozens of pictures scattered everywhere.
"This is me and my husband at last years Marine Corps ball" She slurred. I wondered how many more pills she'd swallowed that day.
"And this is me in Greece- wasn't I hot?" I myself was writing a letter to Jack and would occasionally look up and nod at her. She didn't seem to notice how little attention I was paying her.
"And this..." There was at least a ten second pause before I looked up. She was asleep. I sat there for a second, unsure of my next move, when just like that she woke up again.
"And this is my home in San Clemente" She continued right where she left off. I thought this was rather funny and decided I had to invest in a video recorder. This was too great. I continued with my letter half listening to Janice's photo presentation.
"And this motherfucker" She snarled.
"Who?" I looked up. She was out again. This is the funniest shit I've ever... She was up again.
"This motherfucker thinks he's so goddamn smart. Asshole!" She pointed accusingly at the picture and lit another cigarette.
"Janice, do want some help to bed?" I asked
"Hell no! Have I shown you this pic?" She went on like this for about an hour. Showing me pictures, passing out and waking up seconds later. Finally around midnight, she passed out for good. I put out her cigarette and got ready for bed. After washing my face and putting on my pajamas, I peered over the balcony into the living room. She was still indian style with her head down snoring lightly. I went to bed vowing to check prices on camcorders the next day.
I had just fallen asleep when there was a knock on my bedroom door. A second later Janice barged in.
"Hey!" She hissed. "Are you awake?"
"I am now" I could barely see her but as my eyes adjusted to the darkness I could just make out the tray of jello shots in her hand.
"Wanna do facials?" she grinned.
On the third night of Crazy Janice, she lugged a box out of her closet and threw at me, giggling like a school girl.
"Wanna see what a pervert my husband is?" She cackled.
"Uh, not really" I said, quite honestly.
"Ha ha! Check it out!" She threw the contents of the box on the floor. A leather lingerie set complete with crotch-less underwear. Oh geez. I had to laugh. We both laughed together.
"Do you wear this stuff, you sicko?" I teased.
"Freak no! My husband the nympho bought it for me." She lit a cigarette and blew smoke in my face, a practice I was getting used to.
"You can totally borrow them"
"Ew! Janice! No thanks!"
"What?" She said innocently. "I ain't even used em. You can save em for Jack's visit." She laughed harder this time. She loved to crack herself up.
That was the last fun night during Janice's "trip". She spent her days in bed, eating bananas, coming out of her room only to take a sip of Diet Dr. Pepper or to stare at us. I usually had to walk her back to her room and write down the list of errands she needed me to run. Nothing big really. Donut trips several times a day from the Star Market or a frappucino from Starbucks. Then she'd stumble around the house, tripping on air.
"Mommy fell again." One of her kids would say casually. I'd keep the girls out of the house as much as possible, hoping that she'd snap out of it.
One night, ten days into the episode, she stormed out of her bedroom. the girls were asleep and I was getting ready to turn in myself.
"I'm going to the freakin' hospital" She screamed. "I'm freakin dyin' over here!"
"You are in no condition to drive Janice" I told her and looked her up and down. "and you're not wearing any pants" I sighed.
"Screw pants! I'm outta here!" She started tearing the house apart looking for her car keys which were tucked away in my purse, upstairs in my room.
I grabbed my cellphone and called Crystal. She showed up in her pajamas and took Janice to the hospital. Two hours later they returned. Crystal tucked Janice into bed. After that, Crystals visit became less and less frequent and soon she wasn't coming around at all.
The morning after the hospital trip I went downstairs to find Janice ironing.
"How the hell did my laundry get so backed up?" She wondered aloud. Things went back to normal (for awhile) after that. When recalling those two weeks, Janice was always surprised at the stories I told her. I'm not sure if she didn't believe me or if she was playing dumb. It was as if her mind had turned completely off for two weeks, only to wake up wondering why she had mountains of laundry to do.
